"I Get a Little Lonely When The Sun Gets Low..."

"...And I end up looking for somewhere to go
Yes, I should know better but I can't say no
Oh no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no, no, no..."

 

 ...(From Night Owl by Gerry Rafferty)

          (full lyrics below)

 

Though, to be fair, nowadays I don't really "get a little lonely when the sun gets low", and instead of "looking for somewhere to go", I generally end up looking for a video game to play or a dvd to watch. BUT, once upon a time, much like Gerry Rafferty, I had periods of nighttime melancholy, where I would be "lost in dreams in a world full of shadows", and would sometimes soothe this distortion with "one more drink, you're sailing away".

 

Thankfully, I've never been a heavy drinker; I don't like the feeling of being obliterated (mostly) and I hate hangovers and I wouldn't want to trip over my feet and fall on my face (mostly). So I've stayed away from the demon drink (mostly). But if I'd found (or find, in the future) the lure of the bottle too lurey, I think I could listen to Night Owl for some solace, with its calming melody and gentle melancholy, set against its harsh truth, maybe repeated listenings would be a way to ease myself away from going down, down, down (no, no, no...).

Full Lyrics:

Night comes down and finds you alone
In a space and time of your own
Lost in dreams in a world full of shadows

Down the street the neon light shines
Offering refuge and hope to the blind
You stumble in with no thought of tomorrow

Yes, I get a little lonely when the sun gets low
And I end up looking for somewhere to go
Yes, I should know better but I can't say no
Oh no, no, no
No, no, no, no

The lights are low and the Muzak is loud
You watch yourself as you play to the crowd
One more face in a palace of mirrors

One more drink, you're sailing away
One more dream but it's looking okay
One more time to watch the flow of the river

Yes, I get a little lonely when the sun gets low
And I end up looking for somewhere to go
Yes, I should know better but I can't say no
Oh no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

New Year's Day Cthulhu (Welcome to 2022)

(Warning: This blog post does NOT contain hugs and sunshine)

 

Another day, another year. The Covid pandemic continues, the planet warms, political leaders (mostly) continue to be crappy, etc. Maybe it's time we just realize that it's all going to shit and the only thing that can "save" us is to bring forth the Lovecraftian cosmic deity, Cthulhu, to cleanse this earth of its mediocrity and evil.

Cue Metallica (and the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra) - The Call of Ktulu (Cthulhu) - and bring on the apocalypse!

Where is the 2nd Guitar???

(The answer is: There's no 2nd guitar!)

Once upon a long LONG long time ago, when I was 16-18 years old, I was learning acoustic (classical) guitar. I really enjoyed my lessons, which lasted for about 18 months, and I think the acoustic guitar is a beautiful instrument (I also like the electric guitar but I think acoustic - nylon or steel string - is more pretty). I may have played a little better had I practiced more - as gently suggested by my lovely guitar teacher - and, perhaps, I could've been more proactive in my guitar learning. Still, I had fun and I'm glad I had guitar lessons. I did, however, develop a wee crush on Mr Guitar Teacher, despite his being somewhat older than me and married - which leads me to the next, slightly difficult, paragraph.

Mr G T and I would chat during and after my lesson, mostly about music but other things as well. I can't really remember too much of what we actually talked about, I just know that I was beginning to enjoy his company in a way that even my addled teenage brain realized was becoming problematic and inappropriate and wildly unrealistic. I eventually stopped going to guitar lessons; partly this was because other things were distracting me and maybe I wasn't really going anywhere with my guitar playing, but I also stopped because I knew nothing was ever going to come of my feelings for Mr G T and I was too vulnerable and I felt it was better to be away.

 

Obviously, OBVIOUSLY, obviously, there is a textbook analysis/argument to be made here about a teenager falling for an older person and why it happens; blah blah seeking security, when you're young and insecure, from someone who seems to know stuff, blah blah feeling protected from the big scary world, blah blah he was nice and didn't treat me like the idiot child that I was, so of course I was going to like him. Blah, I don't care, my love was real! Blah!

But what the hell has this got to do with the missing 2nd guitar (as per the title of this blog post)? Let me explain, the title refers to three things:

Firstly, it is a metaphor for a long ago, but occasionally remembered, sadness at not being able to see my guitar teacher anymore (he was the 2nd guitar). 

Secondly, it is a comment about the most incredible Lindsay Buckingham acoustic guitar version of Fleetwood Mac's Big Love, to which I've listened for many years believing there was a 2nd guitar, until I watched the video clip (which I have conveniently placed below).

And Thirdly (if I can keep going a little longer with this kooky 2nd guitar metaphor - which I'm going to do), much like Lindsay Buckingham not requiring a 2nd guitar to play this song, I've become someone who doesn't require a "2nd guitar" (partner) to "play my song" (live my life) - not that my life is as good as acoustic Big Love, but it's pretty good nevertheless.

 

Thank you, Lindsay, that was freakin' awesome!

Willow in Red

Not to be confused with the Lady in Red (the one dancing cheek-to-cheek with the highlights in her hair that catch her eyes...not that the highlights in Willow's fur don't also catch her eyes):

Up close:

Willow prefers to be naked rather than wearing constrictive clothing (of any colour), and she finds dancing to be undignified, especially when it's cheek-to-cheek, which is a little unhygienic.

Special blog post note: Most of this blog entry only makes sense if one has both listened to, and been creeped out by, the song Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh. However, in defence of Chris de Burgh, his other song, Don't Pay the Ferryman (don't even fix a price...until he gets you to the other side!...aaah aaaah, ah aaaaah...), is awesome.

PS: Yes, I know Chris de Burgh has more than 2 songs, but since I don't know any of his other songs, they don't count.

"THERE'S NOBODY LEFT! I'M ALL ALONE!"

The song 29/31 (see clip below) - which contrasts the experiences of the same woman at two different ages, 29 & 31 - by legendary musical duo, Garfunkel and Oates, speaks to my inner hysterical childless spinster. And she, in turn, is hysterically amused.

Certainly, at times, in my murky clucky younger days (somewhere under 40), I would fret about my 'shrinking ovaries' and lack of partner, and wonder if, maybe, I should, like, do something about it. Until, suddenly, or more correctly, eventually, I turned 40 and any pre-existing cluckiness quickly dissipated. But there were definitely moments of screaming anguish, especially as those around me continued to partner up and fall pregnant. And in recent times, despite being a mostly comfortably solitary person, I have had yearnings for companionship. So, occasionally, much like Garfunkel (31), I have felt an almost overwhelming urge to yowl into the existential void: THERE'S NOBODY LEFT! I'M ALL ALONE!

Waiting...(with music)...

I seem to be trapped in a lengthy, and slightly excruciating, interlude. Apparently, though, 'hope springs eternal'. I'm not entirely convinced.

Thankfully, during this interim (or is this my permanent state??), I have The Butterfly Effect to quell my hoping angst - which is not to be confused with my hopping angst, a painful and treacherous affliction for which I require much therapy.

Am I holding on in vain
Am I praying for a change
All the wounds set deep within
Cold the walls you set around me
Am I holding on in vain
Am I praying for a change
That's never coming

Wild Weekend

The clip below is a montage of the weekend activities of Olive Penderghast from the movie Easy A.

I can relate.  

Musical Interlude: A Hazy Shade of Winter

Hang on to your hopes, my friend,
That's an easy thing to say, but if your hopes should pass away,
Simply pretend,
That you can build them again...

The song A Hazy Shade of Winter (by Simon & Garfunkel), with its plaintive but sanguine melody and lyrics, has been covered a number of times by various musicians. Below are 3 versions which I like. I think my favourite is by Bodyjar - raw and angry (like me!), though I have some nostalgia for the pop-rock Bangles version, being that it's the first version I ever heard (back in mid-80's teenageland). And I like the gentle harmonizing of the S&G original. The versions are listed in order of chronology and intensity:

1968 (S&G)



1987 (Bangles)



1995 (Bodyjar)

Bring it on, 2011!!!

Whatever you're going to throw at me, I'm ready. Although, I would take it as a kindness if you only throw nice things at me. And, if possible, not so much throw them at me as gently pass them to me :-).

But, if you insist on being a complete and utter BASTARD, I will rise gallantly to your malevolent whimsy. Or, I will curl up into a fetal position until your whimsy buggers off. Either way, I will be able to seek solace in Lounge Room Disco*. And when it's time for Lounge Room Disco, I put on my fake fur stole, my cowboy hat and get crazy with Alcazar:




*Actual Disco is longer an option as I don't want to frighten the youngsters, and my left knee has a habit of locking when my disco-ing gets too unhinged, which it often does.

"I walk in shadows, searching for light..."

For all of us heart-weary souls feeling "...cold and alone, no comfort in sight", here is Jimmy Ruffin to ease some of the pain:

Song lyrics that have, over the years, persistently inhabited my brain (mostly while my brain is in the shower)

[I don't know what it all means]

"Wanting you the way I do/ I only want to be with you/ And I would go to the ends of the earth/ 'Cause, darling, to me that's what your worth..."
Where You Lead by Carole King

"You were so young/ And I was so free/ I may have been young but baby/ That's not what I wanted to be..."
Stumbling In by Chris Norman & Susie Quatro

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun/ But the stars we could reach/ Were just starfish on the beach..."
Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks

"And it don't matter to me/ If you take up with someone/ Who's better than me/ 'Cause your happiness is all I want..."
It don't matter to me by Bread

"Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair/ Shining, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen..." Hair from Hair, the Musical

"You are the sun/ You are the rain/ That makes my life this foolish game..."
You are the Sun, You are the Rain by Lionel Ritchie

"Run, run, as fast as you can/ You can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man..."
The Gingerbread Man - Nursery Rhyme

How Long Has This Been Going On?

I'm currently obsessed with this photo of Metallica band members James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich:



I mean, seriously, does it not suggest something a little more intimate between James and Lars than just friendship? It's all there, especially in Lars' eyes (or is that just irritation from too much eyeliner?). Whatever be the truth, I have to admit to being quite taken by the idea that James and Lars may have made more than just music together.

The photo was taken during the Load album era (and, given that the album cover features an Andres Serrano photograph titled Semen and Blood III, which features these exact body fluids, I think it's safe to assume that one interpretation of the album title is that it refers to the first of these fluids). Some Metallica fans were not happy with this not-so-heavymetal album or with Metallica's not-so-heavymetal image during this period. Not me. I like them as Metal Cowboys:




Although I have some reservations about this photo:




Um...Metal Cowboys on Acid?

Crypticus Lyricus

"...it looks good,
it tastes like nothing on earth,
it's so smooth, it even feels like skin,
it tells me how it feels to be new."

(from Kyoto Song by The Cure)

This can only mean one thing, I'm listening to the album The Head on the Door by The Cure. I used to love this album. I hadn't listened to it for about 20 years, then I came across it again recently when I was going through my old cassette tapes. I immediately put it into the cassette player (yes, I have a cassette player - I also have a cassette player in my car, which I'm not at all embarrassed by) and discovered the cassette tape was completely fucked! I guess the technical terminology would be that the tape had lost its magnetic integrity or some such thing. Either way, it could only lead to one thing, my buying a brand new compact disc (well they don't sell cassette tapes anymore) of The Head on the Door - which, obviously, I have now done. Yeah. And I still love this album. And I'm still not sure if Robert Smith is singing off-key or flat or it's just that his voice is really unusual; it has a surreal, other-worldly quality which compliments the surreal, other-worldly quality of the music and especially the kooky lyrics.

With the Ending of January Comes the Beginning of "Metallica Moratorium"

[I suspect this will come as a great relief to my millions of readers who have had just about all they can handle of Metallica Madness.]

While my month-long obsession with heavy metal band Metallica has been fun (here, here and here), it's distracting me from the more quiet obsessions I would like to obsess about. So I'm going to (attempt to) limit the amount of time I spend either watching Metallica on youtube or listening to my 1 Metallica album (I'm contemplating buying a second Metallica album - go crazy - I'm not sure which one yet, probably Master of Puppets). AND I'm not going to mention Metallica anymore here on Effulgent13...unless it's something really important and/or interesting. But, before it all ends, here is a photo I really like of James Hetfield (on whom I seem to have developed a bit of a crush, despite not wanting to take him to a desert island with me):


and a photo of the lovely Kirk Hammett (whom I would take with me to a desert island), who is one of the few men in heavy metal who can get away with eyeliner:

Too Much Free Time

After watching quite a bit of footage of heavy metal band, Metallica, live on stage, I began to notice some things - interesting things (trust me). The band used the delightful expression "motherf**ker" quite a lot in their younger days (but then so did I, and possibly still do), the year of a performance can be determined by the state of James Hetfield's hair (both on his head and face) and by the number of his tattoos, Kirk Hammett doesn't appear to age. But the thing that really struck me was how movable they are on stage; they run all over the place, with their guitars (except for the drummer - although he certainly moves alot within (and without) the confines of his drum kit). So I started thinking: why don't their guitar cords get tangled? And then I realised, they don't have guitar cords. So how is the electrical guitar string vibration signal thingy reaching the amplifier? They must have some kind of transmission antenna setup somewhere, but where? Well, I did a little investigative investigating and I came across this photo of James Hetfield:



I suspect the "head-antenna" attachment is usually better camouflaged; this was the only photo I found in which it could be seen.

[Also, I offer no apologies to James Hetfield for rendering this photo of him adorable.]

The Atomic Symbol for Heavy Metal is...

...Metallica...

...which is a little difficult to squash onto the periodic table...



Yep, I'm still experiencing a latent obsession with heavy metal band Metallica. I've been re-watching the 2003 documentary Metallica: Some Kind of Monster (which I watched about 3 years ago). This time I watched all the bonus material, then watched the documentary, and THEN watched the documentary 2 more times with the audio commentaries from the band and the film makers (Bruce Sinofsky and Joe Berlinger). AND THEN, just when I thought it was all over, I turned on the television to see what was showing on "Hot Docs" and...(you'll never guess)...it was...Metallica: Some Kind of Monster!!! So I started watching it, again, but after about 20 minutes I'd had enough.

So now I'm trying to get hold of an earlier Metallica documentary: A Year and a Half in the Life of Metallica. It's about the making of their most commerically successful album, Metallica (also known as "The Black Album"), which was recorded in 1990-91. It's also the only Metallica album I have. Some heavy metal fans feel this album was the beginning of a move away from "true" heavy metal for Metallica. As I haven't listened to any of their other albums, and I'm not a heavy metal fan, I feel completely qualified to dive into this heated debate and say this: "uh, dude, I like the pretty electric sitar at the beginning of 'Wherever I May Roam', it's really heavy", to which my imaginary heavy metal fan replies: "you crazy fucking hippy!". But seriously, anyone who believes Metallica have lost their edge obviously hasn't seen this photo:




As I couldn't find the 1991 documentary in either of the 2 stores I went into, I'm attempting to watch it in 10 minute installments on youtube (it runs for 4 hours and I have dial-up internet connection - I may not make it to the end). But, in the meantime, while I'm waiting for my downloads, I've invented an absorbing mind-game. I've called it: Which Member of Metallica Would You Take With You to a Desert Island? (I'm only choosing from band members from 1987 onwards). I've listed all band members in order of least likely to most likely:


Lars Ulrich (Drums):


Get the fuuuuuucccccckkkkkkk outta here (anyone who has watched the 2003 documentary will understand this). I could probably take him in small doses but that might be difficult to obtain when we're trapped together on a desert island.


Jason Newsted (Bass Guitar):


I don't really have a feel for him as there wasn't much footage of him in the 2003 documentary - he left the band before filming had really started. Still, I've kind of warmed to him.


Robert Trujillo (Bass Guitar):


I had a similar problem with Robert as I had with Jason - not very much footage. Nevertheless, what I did see of him I found to be very groovy. I definitely warmed to him.


James Hetfield (Lead Vocalist, Rhythm Guitar):


Despite the whole sensitive-new-age-red-neck-bad-boy-alpha-male thing he has working for him, I don't think James and I would find harmonious togetherness on a desert island. I think we have fundamental differences in our approach to existence. For example, James would want to seek mastery over the island's flora and fauna, especially the fauna (probably by hunting and killing it) - whereas I'd want to befriend the fauna, and I would find tranquility in the beauty of the grains of sand ("Crazy fucking hippy!", is what James would say to me).


So, of course, that leaves only one band member to accompany myself to a desert island...the one, the only, the most beautiful...


Kirk Hammett (Lead Guitar):


Where do I begin? Well, firstly, I like his hair and his brown eyes and his lovely smile:) But it's more that these surface qualities that have drawn me to Kirk (after all, an attractive appearance will only get you so far when it's just the 2 of you and an island covered in sand and palm trees and coconuts and exotic wildlife and, quite possibly, pirates). He's seems to be an introvert, he's interested in the occult/horror, he lives in a house full of skulls and bones and books and dogs and cats, he's a tiny bit goofy, he's a vegetarian and he's not egotistical - a list of qualities that I would look for in a desert island companion.

You'll Have to Speak up...

...I'm listening to METALLICA!!!

LOUDLY!!!

Music can soothe even the most savage of beasts, except when that music is heavy metal. Heavy metal seeks instead to enrage the savage beast.

Hidden deep in the murky, cloistered recesses of my being, somewhere near my pancreas, is a savage beast. Mostly she lies dormant, happy to be still, to pass the days in serene meditation and bodily fluids. However, every now and again, she needs some air. But she's not easily shifted, it takes a powerful energy to release her from her visceral home and get her moving.

Music is a powerful energy; melody and harmony can heighten tepid emotions, energize and inspire. But melody and harmony alone are not enough to lift my savage beast (whom I've named Stella) from her inertial existence. For this, Stella requires an electrified onslaught of maximum voltage, reverberating through jarring steel, pumped into bands of distortion, and imbued with a primal scream!...

...Stella is awake now...

...and she's hungry...

...and enraged...

...but first she needs a cup of tea and probably a chocolate wheaten biscuit...

...then she'll go out hunting...

...for the Sandman...

...the very same from Enter Sandman by Metallica. And the ever reliable youtube has some awesome Metallica footage, including that which I've embedded below (from the Monsters of Rock concert in Moscow, 1991):

[Things to note in video: helicopters, Red Army, flags, band members hair (why do heavy metal musicians always have curly hair?), unrestrained masculinity.]

[Also, I don't know what the music is at the beginning but it's pretty groovy.]

[Also, also...it's just the beast under your bed, in your closet and in your HEAD!!!]



Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep If I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take...


[Update (11th Jan 2010): I now have exciting new knowledge regarding the music at the beginning of the Metallica clip. It is called "The Ecstasy of Gold" by Ennio Morricone, a part of his score for the film "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly". The piece has been used by Metallica since 1983 as introductory music to their concerts. I also have exciting new knowledge regarding the helicopters in the clip. The concert took place at an airfield! Those guys will play anywhere.]

Prayer of St. Francis

Clearly things have gotten pretty dire if I'm resorting to prayer!

It's OK, I'm not really praying. I just like the sentiment of this group of words, written by St. Francis of Assisi, which many would label a prayer. I'm quite atheist-like in my "beliefs". (I could probably just say I'm an atheist but I don't like to give myself labels, other than "Effulgent13" or "Nicole" - although, technically, my parents gave me the label "Nicole", the crazy hippies).

And the prayer doesn't even have to be a prayer if you just take out "Lord", "O divine master" and "Amen", or ascribe to them different meanings, eg "divine master" could refer to my as yet unaccessed inner strength, divine as it is. Here are the words:

Lord make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive-
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen

The lovely Sarah McLachlan put The Prayer of St. Francis to music. It was used as backing music during the final moments of season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (a very dramatic and difficult season, which only the strongest of Buffy fans were able to endure). I searched on YouTube for this scene, with the music, but couldn't find it. There were other videos posted featuring the song, however they mostly featured religious imagery and/or were not sung by Sarah McLachlan (which I wasn't too keen on). So, sadly, I cannot provide a link to the actual song.

My Life, My Love and My Lady is the Sea

[this blog post title doesn't really have anything to do with the bulk of this blog entry, though it makes some kind of sense when you get closer to the end]

I'm re-attempting to read Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad (from my incomprehensibles list). I'm near the end (of the book, not of my tether:). This time I read the introduction, which helped with my heart-of-darkness comprehending, and which is about a fifth the length of the book* (my point being that the book actually isn't that long (110 pages), it just seems long). I was pleased to discover that "the horror, the horror" is in the book, but it's near the end (I didn't get anywhere near the end of the book on my previous attempt). But, sadly, there is no "smell of napalm in the morning" or "terminate with extreme prejudice". Nevertheless, there are some impressive passages contained within the narrative of this rollicking novel (and here I'm using the lesser known definition of "rollicking": slow and difficult); interspersed within the torpor and convolution is some imaginative, vivid prose (and possibly a little racism). Below are some quotes I quite like from the novel (or, actually, novella - it's too short to be a real novel and it's too long to be called a novelette, which just sounds adorable):

"...for there is nothing mysterious to a seaman unless it be the sea itself, which is the mistress of his existence and as inscrutable as Destiny." (page 6)

Destiny, you inscrutable minx!

This next quote features more inscrutable goodness:

"And this stillness of life did not in the least resemble a peace. It was the stillness of an implacable force brooding over an inscrutable intention." (page 47)

And, finally, a quote regarding the enigmatic Mr Kurtz (who I've steadfastly tried NOT to visualize as Marlon Brando):

"But the wilderness had found him out early...I think it had
whispered to him things about himself which he did not know, things of which he had no conception till he took counsel with this great solitude..." (page 82)

I don't necessarily understand these (inscrutable) quotes but they seem to speak to me (maybe they are actually speaking to my subconscious, which thrives on heart darkness). If I were writing an essay about this novel, I would now be discussing, at length, the meaning of these, and other, quotes. But since I prefer to avoid in-depth writing I have, instead, embedded a blurry video (below) of the classic (and tragic) sea-is-my-destiny song Brandy by Looking Glass (from that classic era, the 70's), which I'm sure would have been one of Joseph Conrad's favourite songs (being that he was a sea-faring kinda guy) had he been alive during the 70's. Here is a heart dark quote from the song:

At night when the bars close down
Brandy walks though a silent town
And loves a man who's not around
She still can hear him say

She hears him say "Brandy you're a fine girl
What a good wife you would be
But my life. my love and my lady is the sea"

Also, if you watch the video closely, you'll see a heart of darkness beating inside the lead singer's chest, which, due to his sartorial immodesty, is on display.



*Clearly it's been awhile since I did fractions - introduction: 12 pages, novel: 110 pages - 12 divided by 110 = 0.11 ...well it felt like a fifth.

Pinball Wizard

As sung by Pete Townshend during Amnesty International's "Secret Policeman's Ball":



(here are some of the lyrics - Pete Townshend didn't sing one of the verses and sang the last verse twice, I don't know if this was on purpose - I think I read somewhere that he was very nervous during this performance)

He stands like a statue
Becomes part of the machine
Feeling all the bumpers
Always playing clean
He plays by intuition
The digit counters fall
That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball

He's a pinball wizard
There's got to be a twist
A pinball wizard
He's got such a supple wrist

He ain't got no distractions
Can't hear those buzzers and bells
Don't see lights a flashin'
Plays by sense of smell
Always gets a replay
Never tilts at all
That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball

It's one of my favourite songs. I first heard this movie version when I was 13, when I saw The Secret Policemen's Ball. I didn't know the song or who Pete Townshend was or who The Who were ("who The Who were", hehehe). But I was quite taken by the strange and beautiful lyrics and performance. It's a great story: someone who doesn't have access to most of the usual ways of sensing the external world has found their own, extraordinary, way. It's usually sung in a more rocking or melodic way (when sung by The Who or Elton John), but this, acoustic guitar-slightly melancholic-Pete Townshend version, is my favourite.