Karamazov Count: Page 700

I've picked up the Karamazov pace quite a bit during the last couple of months; not being at work has helped greatly with this. Actually, not being at work has helped greatly with many things - my physical health, my mental health, the environment (I'm not driving my car as much, I'm doing more cooking - ie buying less packaged foods), my cat is happier, society is happier, I'm happier. In fact the only areas not being advantaged by my non-working are my bank balance and the taxman, neither of which bother me as I currently don't have great demands of my bank balance and I could give a stuff about the taxman.

And what does any of this have to do with "The Brothers Karamazov"? Absolutely nothing. (I've never stipulated that the title of a blog entry has to have any relationship to its contents).

From the Pen of my Electricity Supplier...

Dear Nicole,

We apologise for the delay in sending your energy bill

At [electricity supplier], we understand how important timeliness and accuracy are when it comes to your energy bills. That's why we regret to inform you that there was an unexpected delay in sending you the enclosed bill.

We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause you. You can be sure that we did everything in our power to resolve the situation quickly

Hugs and Kisses

General Manager Retail Operations

YOU SADISTIC BASTARDS!!! Not being able to pay my bill these past weeks has been an unbearable torment! One of the few things from which I can still derive some semblance of pleasure in this misery-laden existence I begrudgingly refer to as my life [pause for breath], is the handing over of my cold hard cash to my utilities suppliers. (Actually to the nice people at Australia Post).

Yes, it's been a distraught couple of weeks, but thankfully it's all over. My electricity bill is now sitting safely, along with my gas bill, in the groovy mail-holder thingy my mother gave me, waiting to be paid. And all is well with the world.

Merry Christmas is NOT an Option

Due to the inexorable approach of Christmas, Effulgent13 is experiencing a degeneration of all its faculties: physical, emotional, intellectual, hell, even spiritual. During this most difficult of "happy" seasons it can barely keep itself fed, let alone think coherent thoughts. Basic hygiene is just a distant memory. Writing in the first person is no longer possible. Just have to make it through 5 more days and it will all be over. Need more tea.

"The horror! The horror!"

Following on from the previous post, I'm including one more quote from Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad (I hadn't reached this passage when I posted the last entry). Kurtz's death. It's a (the?) seminal moment from the book, and from the film Apocalypse Now. In the book Kurtz dies from an unknown sickness, in the film he is killed by Marlow (the narrator). In both the book and the film Marlow is witness to Kurtz's passing.

"Anything approaching the change that came over his features I have never seen before, and hope never to see again. Oh, I wasn't touched. I was fascinated. It was as though a veil had been rent. I saw on that ivory face the expression of sombre pride, of ruthless power, of craven terror - of an intense and hopeless despair. Did he live his life again in every detail of desire, temptation, and surrender during that supreme moment of complete knowledge? He cried in a whisper at some image, at some vision - he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath -
The Horror! The Horror!" (page 98)

So, apparently, things were pretty dire with Kurtz and his life. But I wonder if the visage of Kurtz's death, as witnessed by Marlow, was so different from any other death - with the exception of Kurtz's actual words, though I imagine people say some strange things as they're dying. I've never watched someone pass from life to death. I was with my father when he began to die (after life support had been turned off), as his body began to shut down - a process whereby the person can appear to be in distress, especially when the "death rattle" begins - but I wasn't there at the very end. I found the experience a little confronting. If I'd looked closely I might have seen 'desire, temptation, surrender' in his face (as Marlow did with Kurtz). I chose not to look too closely, possibly because I didn't want to know what was there. He and I didn't get along so well and maybe I wanted to continue the distance we'd maintained from each other since I was about 13.

I feel enriched for having read Heart of Darkness. Joseph Conrad has a beautiful command of language (occasionally he overdoes it) - his prose combines striking visuals with tenebrous psychology (ie 'gloomy' - tenebrous is a word used a number of times in the novel and one (of a few) of which I had to look up the meaning); a kind of word synaesthesia??? However, I'm still somewhat in the dark (very punny!) as to what is the actual heart of darkness. Yes, Kurtz went mad, and had insatiable greed, and was charismatic enough to be deified among at least one group of people, and was, in all likelihood, turning into ivory (check the quote above! - well he would've if this had been a magical realism novel; karmic justice). But who among us hasn't experienced some, if not all, of these states (ie madness, insatiable greed, deification, ivory transformation).

It's also not clear to me exactly what sent Kurtz into broody madness - the broody African jungle, the broody African river (the Congo), the broody Africans - maybe all of the above. And let it be noted that this vision of Africa as a dark (evil?), primeval, claustrophobic, supernatural land is Marlow's vision, and, by extension(?), Joseph Conrad's - in more modern times the book, which was first published in 1902, has had accusations of racism directed at it. I'm guessing there are a number of levels on which this story can be interpreted and maybe some of its exaltedness lies in its ambiguity. It's the kind of book begging to have an essay written about it. And if this blog entry were an essay, it would attempt to discuss all the levels. But since it's not, it's going to finish. NOW. The End.

PS: my apologies for the overuse of question marks in the previous paragraph.

My Life, My Love and My Lady is the Sea

[this blog post title doesn't really have anything to do with the bulk of this blog entry, though it makes some kind of sense when you get closer to the end]

I'm re-attempting to read Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad (from my incomprehensibles list). I'm near the end (of the book, not of my tether:). This time I read the introduction, which helped with my heart-of-darkness comprehending, and which is about a fifth the length of the book* (my point being that the book actually isn't that long (110 pages), it just seems long). I was pleased to discover that "the horror, the horror" is in the book, but it's near the end (I didn't get anywhere near the end of the book on my previous attempt). But, sadly, there is no "smell of napalm in the morning" or "terminate with extreme prejudice". Nevertheless, there are some impressive passages contained within the narrative of this rollicking novel (and here I'm using the lesser known definition of "rollicking": slow and difficult); interspersed within the torpor and convolution is some imaginative, vivid prose (and possibly a little racism). Below are some quotes I quite like from the novel (or, actually, novella - it's too short to be a real novel and it's too long to be called a novelette, which just sounds adorable):

"...for there is nothing mysterious to a seaman unless it be the sea itself, which is the mistress of his existence and as inscrutable as Destiny." (page 6)

Destiny, you inscrutable minx!

This next quote features more inscrutable goodness:

"And this stillness of life did not in the least resemble a peace. It was the stillness of an implacable force brooding over an inscrutable intention." (page 47)

And, finally, a quote regarding the enigmatic Mr Kurtz (who I've steadfastly tried NOT to visualize as Marlon Brando):

"But the wilderness had found him out early...I think it had
whispered to him things about himself which he did not know, things of which he had no conception till he took counsel with this great solitude..." (page 82)

I don't necessarily understand these (inscrutable) quotes but they seem to speak to me (maybe they are actually speaking to my subconscious, which thrives on heart darkness). If I were writing an essay about this novel, I would now be discussing, at length, the meaning of these, and other, quotes. But since I prefer to avoid in-depth writing I have, instead, embedded a blurry video (below) of the classic (and tragic) sea-is-my-destiny song Brandy by Looking Glass (from that classic era, the 70's), which I'm sure would have been one of Joseph Conrad's favourite songs (being that he was a sea-faring kinda guy) had he been alive during the 70's. Here is a heart dark quote from the song:

At night when the bars close down
Brandy walks though a silent town
And loves a man who's not around
She still can hear him say

She hears him say "Brandy you're a fine girl
What a good wife you would be
But my life. my love and my lady is the sea"

Also, if you watch the video closely, you'll see a heart of darkness beating inside the lead singer's chest, which, due to his sartorial immodesty, is on display.



*Clearly it's been awhile since I did fractions - introduction: 12 pages, novel: 110 pages - 12 divided by 110 = 0.11 ...well it felt like a fifth.

Blood Sucking FIENDS...

...MUST DIE!!!

Obviously I'm referring to those soulless creatures from hell...fleas! The bane of those who share their homes with a fury animal (I'm guessing those who keep only fish as pets don't have flea infestations, although fish-tank algae might be issue - but at least the algae don't jump from the tank onto humans and bite sensitive human flesh, as far as I know).

Flea season has come early this year, and with lethal force (climate change? - too much hot and humid weather in November). I have to de-flea my kitty manually with a flea-comb because she has an allergic reaction to flea-collars. And, given her allergic reaction to flea-collars, I'm not willing to risk putting other flea-killing chemicals onto her skin. I'm keeping on top of the flea infestation but I have to run the flea-comb through her fur at least twice a day (those suckers breed like...rabbits? Fleas?), which is kind of a pain. So, I'm wondering about other tactics; maybe the things that kill those other pesky blood sucking fiends - vampires - would work on fleas; direct sunlight, holy water, stake through the heart (or whatever passes for a heart on a flea)? I wonder where I might find a 0.5mm wooden stake?

Yep, those bastards better watch out: into each generation is born, a chosen one, one with the strength and skill to hunt and kill the forces of darkness, she is: "The Flea Slayer".


Flea trivia: Fleas can jump 200 times the length of their bodies.

Too Old, Too Ugly, Too Boring...

...for anything. I was going to say "for love" but then I thought "why limit this self-pitying negativity to only one aspect of existence when there are so many aspects to which such a substantive maxim can be applied":
...to go and check the letterbox
...to go to the supermarket
...to answer the telephone
...to go to the cinema
...to get dressed
...to go to work
...to have fun
...to write a blog entry...then why am I writing a blog entry?...actually, the "too old, too ugly, too boring" mania had possession of my being yesterday and so I was unable to successfully complete (or indeed start) a blog entry. But my morbid, pessimistic depression (as opposed to my jolly, optimistic depression) seemed such a fascinating topic that I decided to write about it today - now that I'm feeling quite chipper...well, not too bad.

I think I've narrowed down the causes of my self-absorbed misery - other than being human. My period came early (the beginning of pre-menopausal madness (??) a little sooner than expected, but why the hell not!) which didn't allow my psyche its usual "lead in" pre-menstrual crankiness (which makes way for during-menstrual crankiness). So I think, on Tuesday, I had double menstrual crankiness. Plus, on Monday, I had quite a bit of sugar (I even had a bit of a sugar high head-buzy-ness on Monday night), which probably resulted in a proportional "low" on Tuesday. Yep, it's difficult being a sugar-loving, possibly pre-menopausal, menstruating woman (try saying that quickly 10 times without biting your tongue).

[I think I might have overused the prefix "pre" in the previous paragraph.]