Mid-Way Formed

[And some (related) rambling]

Assuming I live to be between 80-90 years old, then, being that I’m in my forties, I’m halfway to ‘complete’ formation. Only forty or so more years until I know everything, and thus, can die. (Maybe I shouldn’t joke about dying, lest the karmic forces of nature read this blog post and decide to ‘teach me a lesson’).

So, what does this ‘mid-way formed’ mean? Possibly that I now have twice the wisdom and maturity I did when I was in my twenties? Well, in theory – maybe. In practice – I definitely possess more wisdom and maturity than I did in my twenties, but I don’t know how well these things can be measured quantitatively. And, if I actually had very little wisdom and maturity in my twenties, then having twice that amount now doesn’t make me so very wise or mature.

But certainly my perspective has drastically changed from my twenties. When I turned forty, I realized that I’d experienced twenty years as an adult – twenty years which had gone by reasonably fast. So now I’m very aware of what the passage of twenty years feels like, and that it won’t be so long until I’m sixty (and then eighty!!). Lordy. I want my ‘remaining’ years to go slowly.

Getting back to wisdom and maturity (if only I could), people ‘grow’ at different rates (physically and mentally) and are exposed to varying degrees of life as they grow. I think the aphorism that it’s the failures and challenging experiences which shape character (and formation) is very apt. So that people who have seen more life and experienced more challenges at a younger age, may form more rapidly than others of the same age – or too rapidly, in a damaging way. But, in general (I think), adults aged within 5 - even up to 10 - years of each other are at about the same amount of formation (for younger adults, 18 to 25, the age gap is probably closer, more like 2 to 3 years of each other). Which is a contributing factor as to why people of about the same age group tend to gravitate towards each other, and become close friends or partners. And especially seek each other out as life grows older and gets harder; there’s comfort in being with people who have experienced the same passage – and pain - of time.

Of course, people of all ages can be friends, and I think it’s enriching to have older and younger friends. All friendships contribute to a better understanding and tolerance of other people, but a ‘transgenerational’ friendship has unique qualities. With an older friend, there can be a ‘window’ into the future, as well as the receiving of (mostly) sage advice. Then, with a younger friend, there is the giving of advice, and maybe a kind of mentoring, as well as ‘experiencing’ that younger time again (but with older eyes).

In terms of a partner (for me, at least), I don’t think a relationship with a much older or a much younger person would work – more than about 10 years. We wouldn’t be equal. Our amounts of formation would be too different. If my partner was a lot older, I think I would feel as though I had to age too quickly so as to be able to intimately understand and connect with him. And why would I want to age quickly?? I want those years to pass slowly, they’re my years, not his. If my partner was a lot younger, I think I would feel that I needed to slow down my growth, stagnate my formation, so that he had time to catch up. And why should he have to catch up?? I think it would be selfish of me to impose my older-ness – my extra years - onto someone younger. As the older (and, in theory, wiser) person, maybe I should know better.

So, what if the only people available for a relationship are a lot older or younger - then I’ll just have to be alone. Or build a time machine.