I’ve been hibernating inside my cave, with its eroded walls of brick and crevices of misty glass. And the strange furry creature I keep as my companion. And my introvert entity.
My introvert entity lingers just below my thoughts. Over the years it has surfaced, for short durations, at my instigation, and it was always welcomed. But for some years now it’s been my master. It is peaceful while I remain in my cave. But if I venture out it grows uneasy. If I go too far it becomes distressed. It shirks open spaces and crowded lanes. It yearns for protection of familiar objects. It is comforted by the non-sentient interaction of electronic equipment.
But I’ve been becoming restless, feeling confined. I’ve been pacing through my cave. I’ve knocked my head against lengthening stalactites, not realising how they’d grown. I’ve stomped through human dust (and animal fur), until I can no longer be inside. I need to be…
Outside. So I went outside. I travelled vast distances across unfamiliar plains. My introvert entity howled with pain and rage. But I paid it no heed. I blocked my ears and let it scream, until it fell limp with exhaustion. Then I wandered with unhinged freedom. People stared, I didn’t care.
But I couldn’t wander for too long. My introvert entity was only sleeping. Eventually it would wake. So I went back into my cave, tired but peaceful. My sleep was deep and full of restful dreams.
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Introvert: Psychology; a person predominantly concerned with his or her own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
Hmmm. I find this definition somewhat black and white. You’re either examining yourself OR you’re examining everything other than yourself. It’s possible you could be examining your internal reaction to an external stimulus – which I imagine is a fairly common everyday experience for those born as humans. In fact, I think there isn’t currently enough of this. There’s a bit too much REACTING and not enough THINKING before reacting. Plus, I don’t like the implication of this definition that extroversion is better than introversion.
Then there’s gregarious (social – fond of company) or non-gregarious (anti-social – 1. contrary or harmful to the social order 2. not sociable). Hey, I’m fond of company, company I like that is – company I don’t like, well, lets just say definition 1 has some interesting connotations.
*
At the supermarket today the beautifully camp song "Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh was playing (although it isn't in the camp league of "I've never been to me" by Charlene#). I was waiting for people to spontaneously start dancing in the aisles, and maybe even fall in love.
# I couldn't find the original video clip and the other versions didn't have the creepy talking in the middle of the song - which is possibly the best bit.
2 comments:
I think the following is a perfect text for a heremit. Enjoy
Listen. Because you need to listen. Because you need to know that no one is listening
any more. Not listening. Not reading. Not taking in the streams of empty rhetoric.
They’ve all stopped. Moved on. Got on with their lives. Did you not notice?
Did you not notice the silence? Did you not feel the emptiness unravelling into the
clean white air? Yet you keep up the flow, keep churning, keep peddling and desperately
pedalling in the hope that they’ll return, that they’ll rediscover your once unique
selling point, your novelty. But they won’t. The world has changed. The landscape has
fallen and risen, the seas have shifted. The silent citizens who once waved their
placards behind the clarion call for community have found their feet, albeit unsteadily.
They’re well aware of their essential difference, their break from the norm, but they no
longer need to be reminded of it day in and day out in the name of supposedly not being
different. Your bringing together does nothing now but promote division, promote
seclusion, promote staying on the outside and clamouring to get in. It’s 2009.
It’s time. It’s high time
Thankyou for the beautiful words, Mariana. It's amazing how relevant they are to my recent life. I had noticed the silence but had chosen to accept it, and accept that this was because of my 'difference'.
But I'm beginning to realize there doesn't have to be silence. There are people around who are also 'different'. And I should seek out these people.
And, sadly, leave behind those who don't accept my differences - which is something I've had to do recently.
Nicole.
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