Dark White Noise

Oxymoronic Challenge: Focus on my inability to focus.

The signal strength to noise ratio of the thought-frequencies in my brain is producing disconcerting static - too many (signals) and too loud (strength), and too jarring (unpleasant thoughts are noisy). Translation: I can't concentrate due to mind-fuzz, but also I don't want to concentrate on my mind-fuzz as it is residing in a cranky and gloomy place. Winter, and its short, cold days, isn't helping. Nor is bereft human connection.

In order to combat such dark white noise, I might need to rethink my recent adherence to a (so-called) healthy diet; whereby I've been attempting to reduce my consumption of non-essential and (seemingly) unhealthy foodstuffs - sweets, alcohol, caffeine, babies. Maybe living healthy is mostly only good for my body, and my struggling mind suffers under such fascist food fanaticism. Perhaps, in this time of dark white noise, it is necessary to forgo some corporeal vitality so that menacing mind-fuzz doesn't collapse into a black hole of doom.

Cats Sitting on Things (mostly clothes)

As has been previously observed (here, here and here) cats (ie Ms Willow) will often be found sitting on things/clothes. I have collected more data (ie photos) proving this conjecture.

Ms Willow sitting on clothes:

Ms Harriet (Ms Willow's predecessor) sitting on...clothes:

Ms Chircky (Ms Harriet's predecessor) sitting on...my high school homework (sitting on clothes was too common for Ms Chircky):

Parasite Eve 2 as Allegory For Inequality

Let it NOT be said that these past few months of obsessive devotion to the playing of the Playstation games (as evidenced by recent blog postings) has been in vain. Or a waste of time. Or that, surely, I could find something more worthwhile to do with my time. I say, not so!

For, whilst I was embedded in manic hours of console madness, I discovered a remarkable revelation.

Indeed, it came to my attention, during the desperate throes of trying (unsuccessfully) to beat the Knight Golem in the Akropolis Tower in Nightmare Mode of Parasite Eve 2, that I was doomed from the start of the Nightmare Mode game. Doomed. And why was I so doomed? Because Nightmare Mode imposes a set of impossibly harsh preconditions upon the player, which are incredibly hard to overcome. In fact, you can't actually ever overcome them  - the enemies are always super strong and Aya (the player's character) is always super weak. As a result of the imposition of such, um, austerity measures (it's as though Aya were allowed but one gold coin to pay for necessities which cost, like, a gazillion gold coins), Aya is destined to die, die, DIE!

It is my contention, thus, that Parasite Eve 2 (and its multi-gameplay-mode system) provides a comprehensive parable/allegory - or parabellegory - for social, economic and cultural structures which allow inequality to flourish. [However, I do not intend to write a thesis about it. This blog post will (more than) suffice.]

Parasite Eve 2 has four unlockable modes of play (ie these modes can only be accessed after the player has completed Normal Mode). The four unlockable modes are: Replay/Bounty/Scavenger/Nightmare.

Replay Mode is like being born into a safe and wealthy family, living in a safe and well maintained neighbourhood, going to a safe and well funded school, having a safe and well paying job, and rarely being discriminated against or oppressed.

Here are the gameplay specifications for Replay Mode (mission level: easy):

The modes become progressively more difficult - mission levels: normal (Bounty), then hard (Scavenger):

Until the most evil, Nightmare (mission level: forget about it, aka very hard)(note: there is no exclamation mark at the end of the blurb - as there is for the other modes - not very encouraging):

Nightmare Mode is like being born into an unsafe and poor family, living in an unsafe and poorly maintained neighbourhood, going to an unsafe and poorly funded school, having an unsafe and poorly paying (and probably crappy) job, and frequently being discriminated against and oppressed.

I know which mode I would want to play/be born into.

For this blog post, I conducted primary research into the Parasite Eve 2 inequality parabellegory phenomenon. My methodology involved extensive interviewing with a regular Parasite Eve 2 player (aka me), with special attention to the intellectual, physical and emotional responses experienced whilst engaging with (aka playing) Parasite Eve 2. I have compared and contrasted these responses (via two insightful statements) with explicit regard to Replay and Nightmare Modes:

Statement 1: "I have just finished playing Replay Mode (again - I've played it 3 times now! it is awesome) and I had the best weapons and ammunition and health and all the asshole creatures got massively killed and I am great."

Statement 2: "I kept getting killed when I attempted to play Nightmare Mode and this sucks and I had crap weapons and ammunition and no health and I didn't have the energy to keep playing and I turned off the console and I went to bed and I am not great."

Nightmare Mode Beckons at Me

But its deadly invitation is not so readily heeded.

Having completed Scavenger Mode (Parasite Eve 2 ), I am now eligible to undertake the dastardly torture that is Nightmare Mode. (Nightmare Mode mantra: "You start off sick and things get worse in this most difficult mode").

HOWEVER, I don't think I'm gonna do Nightmare Mode. 'Cos it looks too frickin' hard. And I am no overachiever. Scavenger Mode was difficult but still (mostly) enjoyable. Nightmare Mode is just psychotic. And I haven't attempted Bounty Mode yet, which is actually unlocked before Scavenger Mode, but some (internet) people say it's harder than Scavenger Mode. So maybe I'll have a try at Bounty Mode.

Or maybe not, because I think I need to read some books and watch some films, and maybe even talk to some people, like I (sometimes) used to do before I pulled out the Playstation console. Playstation console has an uncanny ability to absorb my mind, body and soul.

But (and ignoring the previous paragraph), before I do anything else, I will be going back to Replay Mode (easy mode - extra items and awesome weapons, and Aya is much stronger - ie harder to kill) for some cathartic blasting of some of the asshole boss monsters who gave me hell in Scavenger Mode. In particular, I am looking forward to using the Hypervelocity gun (which I am now able to access having raised my level ranking by completing Scavenger Mode):

I will take especially great joy in using the Hypervelocity gun on the Puppet Stinger (aka the Giant Bowman). Here he is in Scavenger Mode, being an asshole:

Gimme Shelter

This room is full of danger! Thank goodness I can take refuge underneath this protective umbrella.

Scavenger Mode Beckoned at Me

And, like a neo-mitochondrial moth to a flame, I heeded its parasitic call.

Scavenger Mode (Parasite Eve 2): This mode can be unlocked either by completing Bounty Mode or by obtaining above 69001 exp points on Replay or Normal modes. In Scavenger Mode decent weapons/ammunition and items are mostly unavailable or extremely expensive to purchase. Basically, most things are acquired by either finding them or after beating some enemies - hence, you are expected to scavenge. Also, you lose health points ALOT quicker in this mode (those adorable, flappy neo-mitochondrial moths can actually kill you here).

And, finishing Scavenger Mode unlocks Nightmare Mode!!! (Nightmare Mode combines the worst - hardest - aspects of Bounty and Scavenger modes for a raucous journey of getting killed lots - good times!).

The point I'm trying to make here, is that my Playstation addiction continues. Despite my belief that I was only going to 'have a look' at my old playstation games when I pulled them (and the PS console) out of the deepest darkest reaches of the wooden chest in my loungeroom, they are now (re) consuming me. However, in fairness to Parasite Eve 2 (and myself), I had not realized that I could unlock all these other modes after finishing the original game. In reality, when I packed this game away, 13 or so years ago, I had only completed a fraction of the gameplay it offered.

My brain, therefore, is currently devoted to Scavenger Mode battle strategies. I am honing my tactics and manoeuvres, testing various combinations of firepower, along with parasite energies (earth, wind, fire, water), with a goal to obtaining the best possible outcomes in each of the - progressively freaking harder - enemy configurations I must face. And, so far, I ALWAYS win (except for when I die - but then I can reload the game until I WIN).

Most importantly, playing Scavenger Mode is allowing me to actively avoid the real world, and any battles contained within the real world that I might encounter - and which, most likely, I would NOT win.

Crochet Kitty

Willow is 'helping' me mend my maroon crochet cardigan. She is a proponent of the - somewhat radical - technique of sitting on top of the fabric and staring at the crochet hook.

"This is MY cardigan, human."

Seeking Solace in Tomb Raider

(So, kind of a rollicking, wild ride solace)

(Also, since I possess only playstation 1,  I've been solacing in old Tomb Raider - none of this new fangled, realistically rendered graphics technology for me; the tombs I'm raiding are polygon shaped)

I have much awe for Lara Croft (legendary adventurer and artefact collector of the Tomb Raider series); her unwavering, energetic devotion to the exploration of interesting and striking - and frequently dangerous - locations. (Also, unexpectedly dangerous - gorillas in the Monastery!). She never falters in the face of imminent death, probably due to her uncanny ability to re-animate from expiration after undergoing the mysterious process known as 'reload game'. She has incredible strength, stamina and gravity-defying gymnastics. I have never heard her use potty language, even when she catches on fire. And she has steely attitude.

(However, despite her almost supernatural capacity for maintaining grace under fire, Lara's serenity does, at times, elude her. She can be inclined to unceremonious bumping into walls, accompanied by guttural grunting, and she will let out blood-curdling screams whenever she (mostly) unintentionally plummets into cavernous depths and ravines. And when she's swimming, she has a tendency to position her bottom so it fills, and thus obscures, the screen.)

But I had not realized (until about a month ago) just how much these atmospheric games offer escapist comfort. (Comfort levels which are greatly increased by having cheat codes that allow unlimited ammo and health - though these won't save Lara when her enemy is a tricky set of jumps over cavernous depths and ravines; only incredible skill on the part of the console controller can do that).

I've found a Happy Place at Tomb Raider. An inner calm. I (as Lara) can wander Zen-like through snowy Tibet, searching for the Ice Palace (whilst carefully avoiding massive rolling snowballs, snow leopards and, of course, yeti). Or I can dive down to the bottom of the ocean and explore the tranquil metal-blue of the Wreck of the Maria Doria. There are also shadowy, not-quite-terrestrial worlds to encounter. And, most importantly, I can roam the ethereal ancient sands of Earth's caves and tombs, from Egypt to Peru.

And if anything or anyone gets in my way, I can blast them to the gods with my grenade pistol!

Here is a Flying Swordsman getting in my way on the magical Floating Islands (Tomb Raider 2):

And here are pieces of the Flying Swordsman after experiencing the 'magic' of my grenade pistol (note his disembodied sword at top of screen):

When Existential Angst Walks in the Room, Everybody Stand Up

Or, more sensibly, just keep sitting, cos nothing is real, so nothing matters. In fact, you may as well go back to bed - only your dreams can provide some semblance of meaning and connection for your withered soul.

BUT, in defiance of isolation, pessimism, and the black hole of doom, I've realized that there's an Ent living in my yard. So many years of existential angst could have been avoided if only this epiphany had been revealed to me sooner (or I'd looked out the window).