There are, of course, many, many painful things that can happen in this world which I've never experienced - eg homelessness, war, hunger, death of (my) child, prolonged and incapacitating illness - and I'm thankful that I haven't had to experience these things. And, mostly, when I'm being depressive and negative and self-pitying, I can still appreciate how much my life is NOT a struggle, compared to the lives of so many others. The last month, however, has not been one of those times. There's been some high level depressive and negative and self-pitying inhabiting my brain, catalyzed by an intense bout of loneliness. An infection of loneliness, and its consequent pathology; sleeplessness, distractedness, brain vomit.
I tend to 'catch' loneliness when I've experienced unrequited affection (at least, when I become aware of unrequited affection - most likely the affection was unrequited for some time, but my delusional state would not allow realization of such realities).
Discovering you've been unrequited is always, to varying degrees, heart-painful. But so is being in a long-term relationship which ends when you didn't want it to end. This is a heart-pain I've never experienced. The relationships I've had have usually been around 12 months long, and mostly I ended them. The most painful breakup was with a boyfriend who was abusive, and the breakup was painful because he wouldn't 'allow' me to breakup with him.
I imagine it could be devastating to have a long-term relationship end; a sudden, massive emptiness, and a loss of control over one of the main conditions of life. I don't know how I'd react in this situation. For me, at the moment, I have a large degree of control over my life. Discovering that someone doesn't want to have a relationship with me pretty much means that my life 'changes' from me being on my own, to me continuing to be on my own - albeit with an enhanced sense of loneliness. And I can always rely on cups of tea to make me feel better (and, occasionally, cups/shots of something a little stronger).
2 comments:
They are probably similar in a lot of ways. And maybe both are to do with the degree to which we accept the level of lack of control we have.
I think the issues of lack of control, and maybe ego-bruising, contribute significantly to the feeling of 'heartbreak'. But once you get past these, it's the sense of 'aloneness' and loss that can be very painful.
I still think the pain would be greater if you lose someone you've spent so much (enjoyable) time with, than with not getting to spend time (which may turn out not to be so enjoyable) with someone you're attracted to but don't really know.
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