Imaginary Boyfriend

I have a crush on an actual person. Let us all join hands and rejoice. I'm quite excited and positive about this recent development despite the unlikeliness of he and I ever having a thing - I don't know him very well and my interaction with him is limited. But these are minor details, especially when considering my previous crushes - Eric Northman, a 1000 year old vampire invented by Charlene Harris for her Sookie Stackhouse (Trueblood) novels, and James Hetfield, lead singer of heavy metal group Metallica. My new crush not only exists but lives in the same city as me! He is also not married and is about the same age as me (42). I mention his age because I've noticed, with my keen observational skills, that as people get older they tend to become attached - hence, there are less unattached peoples of my epoch. There is, I guess, the option of seeking out a younger person - I imagine the under 25's have a reasonable number of unattacheds - but, as I'm now old enough to have given birth to an under 25, I don't consider this age group to be a viable option.

So, why have I called this blog entry "Imaginary Boyfriend"? Well, because sometimes I find myself imagining that my crush is my boyfriend, and imagining how he would be as my boyfriend. It's a behaviour I've previously indulged in (see here for a bizarre example). Wiser people than myself (there were 3 of them, at last count) would probably say that putting favourable characteristics onto a person for whom I have hotpants, before I've gotten to know them, is a foolish endeavour. In fact it could be argued, wisely, that even just having hotpants for someone before getting to know them (let alone making up personality traits) is also not the wisest of endeavours. Whatever the case, it's something that I've done and continue to do. (And I suspect I'm not the only one.)

But is this person-imagining really a bad thing? Is my devotion to wayward winsome wanderings upon matters of the heart such a blight to wisdom? Will Wally weep when Wendy walks westward? Is it time to end this wacky W alliteration? YES!

I'm not entirely convinced that there is only badness in my imaginings - although caution is very much advised. I've noticed, over the years, that the characteristics which I've imbued upon my various crushes are mostly unchanged, and have been refined over time (and, I guess, as I've gotten to know myself better). I'm not referring to physical characteristics, eg height, hair/eye colour, shoulder width etc. And I haven't made any cheesy lists, eg:
1) must be ambitious
2) must have good sense of humour
3) must love kittens
4) must wash regularly
5) must have penis
- what defines a "good" sense of humour (point 2) anyway? It's subjective. I, for example, have a depraved sense of humour (see point 5); some would classify this as "good", others as "please leave the table and go to your room, Nicole".

My imaginings are more about how a person interacts with me and the world, and their life philosophy. For example, it would be ludicrous for me to be involved with someone who is materialistic or homophobic or racist or narrow-minded. And yet, many years ago, I had a crush on (and subsequent semi-relationship with) a person who was materialistic and homophobic and racist and narrow-minded. And I was terribly broken hearted when he ended it (whereas I should've been jumping for joy). On the plus side, however, it was the beginning of a revelation, inside my brain, that maybe I wasn't being very discerning in my choice of men - my strategy was pretty much "he's kinda cute, let's have a thing". I know, I know; it's hard to believe this could happen in these enlightened times. I should also point out, in the case of the above mentioned person, that at the time I was a little blinded by cluckiness - my estrogen wanted me to get pregnant, and estrogen can be quite Machiavellian when it has a task to complete. Evil estrogen. I have to say that now I'm very thankful I didn't procreate with this person.

My point, in all this rambling, is that, maybe, if I pay a bit more attention to the traits of my Imaginary Boyfriend, I might find myself attracted to someone with these actual traits. I know, I know; radical. (For those long-suffering readers who have made it this far: Welcome to Nicole's Dominion of Dumb). Maybe part of the reason I'm without a real boyfriend - other than that I really quite enjoy being a weird loner - is that I've been having trouble extracting, from my foggy consciousness, whatever the hell it is that I'm actually attracted to.

None of this is meant as a slur against my ex-boyfriends. Or against the many and varied and (mostly) inappropriate crushes I've had over the years (bless their miscellaneous hearts). It's about assessing and understanding the choices I've made in regards to Lurv. I know, I know; icky. But, despite the ickiness, I think it's been a positive exercise.