Things I Can Tell Just By Looking at Him

As it turns out, there aren't that many things I can tell just by looking at him. In fact, I can only really observe and then attempt to make conclusions based on my observations (duh!).

Things I have observed and things I know:

• I know for sure that he works at my local library as I have seen him standing behind the library desk, and I've seen him using the behind-the-library-desk computers, and he checked out a branch transfer for me (and while he did this, I 'checked' him out!...see what I did there)
•  I know his first name, which I was able to ascertain by reading his name tag while he was checking out my branch transfer
• I'm guessing his age is somewhere between over 35 and under 50
• He wears brown shirts at work (I don't know if he's wearing the same brown shirt or if he owns many brown shirts)  [EDIT UPDATE: Since posting this blog post, I have observed him wearing a grey-blue shirt]
• I've observed him smiling and being polite and helpful when he is approached by library customers - this could be an indication that he is a polite and helpful person, or it could be an indication that, given that Librarians are meant to be polite and helpful at work, he doesn't want to get fired
• I think I once saw him wearing a cardigan, though this isn't very surprising, given that cardigans are part of a Librarian's armour (but I do like cardigans - in fact, I think the corporate world would be a better world if business people wore cardigans instead of suit jackets)
• He doesn't appear to wear a wedding ring, at least not at work
• I have a suspicion he smoked a bit of marijuana in his younger days, and occasionally still imbibes (I have virtually no basis for this suspicion, other than his longish sideburns, which, in my mind, suggests probable weed smoker, or maybe that he's part Wookie)

But these things do not an insight into a person give. These things don't tell me, for example, whether or not he's a psychopath - maybe he's a psychopath with a heart of gold. Where does he sit on the political spectrum (further to the left would be better)? Is he sexist or racist or homophobic (qualities possessed by some of my ex-boyfriends)? Is he thoughtful or compassionate or tolerant (qualities not overly possessed by some of my ex-boyfriends)? Does he know who The Chosen One is (hint: "into every generation is born") (extra hint: It's Buffy The Vampire Slayer!)?

He has an 'aura' that suggests some degree of weird loner, which speaks to me (I think I'm more likely to connect with another weird loner, even if that sounds contradictory - are weird loners at all able to make 'proper' human connections with normal people, let alone with each other?!?). Though, my 'observation' of his apparent weird lonerism might be more about my projecting qualities onto him that I desire. Maybe, at the very least, he's sympathetic to (and attracted to!) weird loners, whilst not necessarily being one himself.

So, what if he is someone for me (and I'm someone for him). Is it really a good idea to start something which could go horribly wrong? (That last sentence just seethes with optimism). And if things do go wrong, I'll probably have to go to a different library. I enjoy being a weird loner; do I really want to give up my solitude? Maybe it's possible to be a weird loner AND have a thing with someone - I'd still have to work on my interacting with other people skills, though.

And how would things get started in the first place? If something is going to be done, it's likely going to have to be me that does it. I'll have to 'make the first move', because I would assume that a library staffer isn't allowed to hit on a library customer - workplace sexual harassment protocols would frown upon such behaviour. I'd have to approach him; I could go up to him when he's behind the library desk and ask him some library based questions (and bat my eyelashes and give him my phone number!). But flirting isn't my one of my strengths. I'm not very positive about this strategy. I think I need to sleep on it. I think I will need many sleeps.

The Happy Hermit

Once upon a time, there was a happy hermit. Though, given that there was not total isolation from other human beings, a happy part-hermit might be more correct. She (yes, hermits can be female) was not a sociopath, as some might believe of a hermit, though she would be lying if she claimed to never have experienced anti-social thoughts (but, I suspect, this would also apply to many non-hermits). Her social skills, however, were frequently in need of a makeover.

Her hermit lifestyle was a self-created one (ie not imposed by external circumstances, such as being marooned on a desert island or being in solitary confinement). It was a existence that fit her like a glove, or perhaps, like the shell of a hermit crab (see what I did there - a little hermit humour).

But why was she a happy hermit? It's important to make the point that despite being a hermit, and thus being cast with an expectation of experiencing sadness, likely induced by loneliness, she was generally quite content. And she did not feel particularly lonely - other than the usual, pervasive, all embracing, existential lonely experienced by all sentient lifeforms.

So how did she achieve a state of 'happy'? What she did was to have an active imaginary life. She existed entwined in a joyous, fantasy world. An invented society. One that frequently provided her with connection and solace. Sure, it was all fake, but it still made her feel good.

And what could be wrong with that? Should this be considered insanity? Or could it be considered a sensible, and even clever, coping strategy? I mean, in Real Life World, people obtain connection and solace from all kinds of multitudinous interactions, many that are wildly insincere, and some that are actually completely fabricated. And sometimes, Real Life People either aren't aware, or won't admit, that these interactions are not genuine. They immerse into their delusion, believing in its veracity, while ignoring its facade of happiness. (Or am I being too cynical? Or not cynical enough?!? I mean, love is a human construct, right? Not that a person should have to be unhappy just because nobody loves them - which is kind of the theme of this post). At least the happy hermit was quite lucid in regard to her delusional life. She was vividly cognizant that the world in her head only existed in her head. And she maintained an otherwise healthy lifestyle. She ate a (mostly) balanced diet, she exercised (mostly), and she made use of companion animals, like cats and fuzzy microbes, as well as imbibing a lot of tea - tea being an essential facet of both a hermit life and a happy life. And, on the rare occasion, she would emerge from her seclusion and interact in Real Life World, which was (mostly) not too traumatizing.